The Malignant Narcissist

What Sleep?

2010-07-01T03:52:00.003-04:00

I can't sleep. Again.

I've tried but ended up watching yet another Nicolas Cage film (Lord of War, courtesy of Hulu). Despite his singular tone of voice, I find him compelling and convincing as an arms dealer. I think it's the hair. His eyes, too. He's got good actor's eyes.

Closing my eyes does nothing but bring up terrible things, increases the awareness of memories I'd rather keep pushed as far back into the recesses of my messed up mind as I can. Fights with my family, mistakes I've made, old feelings of doubt and self-hatred that I thought had finally been conquered. Am I really that embarrassing? Had I really done so much to break your heart? Did I? Why couldn't I make mistakes without it coming off as the end of everything? Why did there have to always be a goddamn ultimatum? Why? Why was it always a case of 'have what we offer you or have nothing at all'?

When I'm not cycling through my psyche and regurgitating my most glorious moments of mental self-abuse, I am suffering from images of myself being stabbed. I have been stabbed tonight repeatedly, from all sides, all angles, all places, from all sorts of pointy and wicked knives. Kitchen knives, pocket knives, even those stupid fucking over-sized four-pronged fantasy knives with the hand guard you find on the top shelf of one of those dimly lit 6-month rental shops in the corner of a mall with the faux asian name that has "lucky bamboo" lining the windows. With each stab I feel that part of my body. It's like it's being poked by a tiny finger. I don't know why. I want it to stop, and it only stops if I open my eyes.

Staring hopelessly into the dark, counting down the remaining three hours until I have to get up to get ready for work...even that is better now than pretending to fall asleep as phantom fucking fingers nudge and prod me as my mind tries to convince itself that I'm really being stabbed to death by nothing.

I am seriously fucked up. I am seriously tired. I am seriously fucking tired of being fucked up and reliving every bullshit failure moment of my existence over and over and over and over and over. Why can't I move on?! Why can't I just "get over it" like everyone else and just fucking move?

A letter came in the mail today. It was a follow-up and thank-you letter from Anatomy Gifts Registry, the company through which mom's body was donated. They wanted to extend their condolences once more for the loss of "Mrs. Hill", but thank us again for her gracious donation to the advancement of medicine. At a couple points they called her "Lucy" to try and make it more personal, as though they knew her in some way. If this were the case, they would have said "Katherine," or "Kathy," but not "Lucy". Not that. That's what chilled me over for the rest of the letter, the one nagging thing I still can't get over. That same, automated effort that companies just can't quite perfect when trying to seem anything other than cold, automated, systematic, businesslike about death.

At any rate, they went on to mention what research has been aided through mom. Spinal injury research was fitting, given her spinal injury from an accident many years before I was born. Her heart went toward studies into arterial matters. Diabetes research, given family history and what she was fighting against anyway, and so on. It was hard to read the letter - brutally hard. Mom's gone, and was now in fact in many separate places on top of this. I am happy that she was able to help one last time in a field that she so loved to work, but goddamnit it's hard to read that she's being used for studies, no matter how many years she's told you herself that she wanted to be donated.

Christ...one day I'll be able to do this without having to fight back the tears and failing. I wonder how much longer until I can no longer cry, until I'm all dried up, and then new leaks spring up. Why are we made up of so much damned water?

An Update

2010-06-04T01:05:00.002-04:00

I guess it's time I try to do another update.

I read and read and re-read that last statement I made to you, for you...for anyone... It still tugs on my heart. Every time. Every week.

I can still feel, strong as ever, the emotions that came with writing it. I hurt. I get angry. Even though I swell up with fury and want to scream a blood-curdling scream to try and console myself in some way, I still feel hollow. Deep down inside, there is a growing emptiness, as though I'm fading away from within. No matter what it is I feel, it will soon go, back into the recesses of my fucked up mind, lying in wait, just waiting for the next time I read it again. For the
next time I spend just a little too much time thinking about you.

Not a day goes by where I don't wish I could ask you something, anything. What was it that you put in your squash casserole that made it taste just...perfect? Dad made it the other day. It wasn't yours. You used cheese. It was still good, but it wasn't yours. Even if I made it, exactly word-for-word as you made it, still not the same. Not even close. I miss your hands. Seeing them work away making little kitchen miracles, flower miracles. Just making things work and keeping them working. But in the end you couldn't even help yourself. There were no miracles for you. There was nothing I could do, but stay in denial. I could keep telling you "See? The doctors lied again, you don't have cancer! It'll be okay. Even if you're sick for a little while, you'll be home at least. We'll be fine, then. You'll be home..."

I haven't been to the graves since I put the flowers out. I took some photos...they came out good. Strange to be taking pictures of the graves, maybe, but I guess it was just a token to keep. Something to say "Hey, I did this on my own. I can actually do something on my own. I can do things for you still." I'm hoping they'll still be there when I go back soon. June already...I don't know what flowers make for good summer decorations, but I'll put some out soon. Another
promise for you.

Work has been going good. I've managed to get myself two jobs, now. I'm sure you'd be proud, seeing me work hard, plugging along from one place to another, all responsible-like. When you died I was basically fired from my last job, no longer needed since Christmas was over. What an unceremonious departure that was. So cold, so...business-like. It still makes me angry. The couple of times I've been back, I can't even look Joe in the face, when it should be him who shies
away...not me. I gave everything I could for them, and he picks the other guy to keep on, simple as that.

I'm sorry...no ranting. It's strange to try and talk to you now, when we never had the best communications. I never really opened up and spoke with my true voice, my regular and natural style, for either of you. I still can't with dad, and it's worse now. We hardly talk, even though he's home now more than he ever was. Apparently I'm not responsible enough and can't handle simple tasks around the house well. I don't know.

It's been a year...since me and Kate have been a couple. A year and a few days. I know you never liked her, and it came to the point where you basically hated her, and I still can't see why. I honestly, truly, wholeheartedly swear to you I have no idea why. I have no intentions of rubbing anything in your face, any plans to go "Ha! I've proven you wrong!" or anything. All I wanted was your unconditional love, and unconditional support, and Kate's love and support. I loved all of you...still do. It still doesn't make sense to me that I could not have it all. No matter what I go over in my mind, the pieces just don't fit. That will never leave me. Maybe if I can find all the pieces and put them together, maybe I'll see what I'm missing. Maybe I can find my peace with it all.

You're always on my mind. I don't want to forget, but I hate having to remember every day. Every day, just about, I feel bad and then good, or utterly useless and then like I could do anything in the world. There are very few days when I can truly be one set mood. Saturday...Sunday...one of the two happened to be one of those days. I honestly don't know when I've felt like that. One solid, unchanging mood throughout the entire day. It was wonderful. It was so peaceful. Kate thought I was acting strange, but I couldn't really explain it...

I can pretend that every day is like that for you, now. I know for a fact that you're gone, gone for good and there will be no traces of you anymore, except for memory and a few fleeting photos. Almost no audio. Nothing for your grandchildren to listen to...almost no video for them to see you smiling, moving around. But I still pretend, despite knowing better, that you're in a better place, happier and smiling down on me like the caring, loving, attentive mother you were. It's moments like these that make me wish I were dead, just so I could stop crying again. It's selfish and unfair to think and wish that, but dammit...

So, here I am again, near blind with tears and choking back the sobs and snot and being a miserable wreck. Dad's asleep, still, hopefully so. It's 4am and I'm crying
like a little kid again.

I love you.

Miss

2010-03-16T21:31:00.002-04:00

Soon it will be two months since you died.

Even on the day you died, I could say it with a straight face, and felt like I could accept it. I don't know why it was so easy so soon for me. I guess I had to take care of dad that day, and the days that followed. He was no longer able to take care of me. I haven't done as good a job at that lately, and the tension between us is pretty much back to where it used to be. Though it's probably just me thinking there's tension - he wants us to have a good relationship, but it's so easy to be irritated at him.

The day before yesterday I cut my thumb while cleaning a knife I used to cut up some onions. Not a bad cut, just...you know, enough to bleed a little. Dad got some anti-biotic stuff and a bandaid, and fumbled through the wrapping and eventually tore the bandaid. Even little things like that make me think of you, and how you could get the damn thing open with one hand pretty much, and be squeezing out some ointment with the other. It was like you were a walking medical station. Now I can't even get a damned bandaid on without messing things up.

It's getting so much harder to think about you. Every day I have to fight off wave after wave of emotion. Sometimes I feel OK, and I know I have to move on. Other times I don't want to get out of bed, just waiting and hoping that I'll hear you downstairs frying bacon and calling me down for breakfast. You haven't yet.

I can barely see as I'm typing this, but I just have to do something...say something or else I'm going to scream and pull out my hair. This probably isn't going to help anything, but I can't bottle up my feelings anymore. It's become too toxic.

I miss you so much. Dad isn't himself, even though he's doing the same old routine we were used to. He's gone overboard with the Easter decorations, and I'm terrified to think what he'll have prepared for Easter Day. He's trying to keep the house cheerful and lively, but it doesn't do much good when 4.5 days of the week there's only one of us here.

I was going to Bennettsville tomorrow to put out the flowers, but the landscapers are coming back to finish what they didn't get done today. I'll get the flowers out there, though, I promise. The graves will look as pretty as ever.

I've got to go. Sorry

Now

2009-12-15T01:42:00.002-05:00

I am still restless. My eyes hurt, and my head is swimming, and my body is begging me to try and sleep...but I just can't.

My mom's aunt...which I guess makes her my great aunt...died Sunday morning. After being in the hospital for two weeks, after being put there by negligent staff at physical therapy. They let her fall. That is NOT supposed to happen, and if anything, they should be sued to the point that the facility has to fucking shut down.

She was perfectly healthy and was trying to build up muscle strength in one foot.

Read that again.

One foot. Just a little weak and was beginning to drag a little, so she went to build it back up in strength. And now she's fucking dead. That is beyond appalling.

The funeral is Wednesday, and I am a pallbearer. I've never done this before, and I don't know if I will again.

I'm nervous as hell. I'm upset at a lot of my family (not parents for once). My mind is just swimming.

Now, here I am. Without you, awake. I need to drink myself out of this week.

Right...

2009-12-01T01:11:00.002-05:00

Did that last post seem typical and emo-y of me?

Probably.

Am I going to keep that post to remind myself yet again of things that need doing?

Yes.

Is there anything else I have to say on the subject right now?

No.

Is that unusual?

No.

Why am I still asking questions?

No clue, but I don't seem capable of stopping.

Will I stop now?

Sure.

Long Times Again

2009-12-01T00:55:00.002-05:00

It's another restless night where I don't know what it is I need to say, or should say. Anything would do at this point, but nothing comes out, as usual. I want to talk to you, and I do to an extent. Still, even then my words feel so empty and routine.

It's the same old story, though. The same lines, the same pattern, the same go-around that we always do and it ends the same way: me sorry and you irritated because I've yet again done nothing to change things for the better.

You're dozing off now, looking quite content. You said you were tired, and you flopped over on the bed so that it looked like the weight of the whole day had come down with you. I can't stop watching you, wishing so much to hold you again, to kiss you and tell you I love you as we both happily drifted asleep.

I can say these things, sure, but it's just flattery and adoration, things I always throw your way. But why can't I go on about other things, keep our talks lively and...I don't know, be here the way you need.

But now, here we are, these long times again being spent in silence, only adding tension. Only taking away from our time.

Just need the space

2009-11-22T03:50:00.001-05:00

Huh...

2009-10-01T21:36:00.002-04:00

Seems the recent FDA ban on flavored dip also included a ban on flavored cigs.

Bye-bye cloves. I barely knew thee, but our brief affair so long ago was so sweet, so delicious.

Seems I do have something in common with the raving redneck on youtube.

I do actually believe people have the right to smoke or chew if they please, and even this kind of limitation is overstepping the boundaries of government regulation, in my mind.

-sighs- The next step is to put a ban on flavored cigars, cigarillos, and anything else delicious. I may have to join the picket-lines yet...

Hola

2009-09-28T15:35:00.003-04:00

Anyone seen the trailer for the Nightmare on Elm Street remake?

Krueger is played by the guy who played Rorschach in Watchmen, which is just awesome.

The other awesome part is this film actually takes on a serious tone, with the question of whether or not Krueger molested children being a prominent part of the plot.

I'm glad to see it's going to be super scary and wicked, but I'm hoping the movie doesn't end with the children trying to apologize and the parents see the error of their ways and Krueger forgives them and fades into a white light, or some stupid shit like that.

I want blood, and lots of it, but done artistically and as evilly as possible. I hope the parents get what's coming to them, too.

2009-09-22T02:02:00.001-04:00

Fuck me and my big fucking mouth.

2009-09-22T00:58:00.001-04:00

-sighs-

A While

2009-09-15T22:05:00.002-04:00

It's been a while since I've posted on here, yet again.

I've been semi-kinda-sorta busy-ish with my other blog, in that I keep going to it but failing to write something in it.

Um...let's see. I have two guitars now. One acoustic and one electric. Got them both for about $40. They may be cheap, but perfect for learning as far as I'm concerned.

Still no luck with the work world, but one day, some day, maybe.

Coo-coo kachoo.

The Festival

2009-09-05T02:08:00.002-04:00

There was a free festival at Market Commons today. It's going on tomorrow, too.

There's BBQ, car shows, and great music.

So far, I've taken a ton of pictures and plan to take even more tomorrow. It's going to take me forever to get all of them posted, but I will get it done.

The weather's been so nice, and the music so much fun. I got my picture with the last surviving original member of The Tams. I got many great pictures of them playing...well...four pictures...I ran out of film. But they're all great, I'm sure!

I'm almost out of money, though, so I gotta find a way to make $6 last an entire day.

Hay Gais!

2009-08-25T21:58:00.002-04:00

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Obama's-penis-wasn't-circumsized-maybe-we-don't-know-so-he's-a-secret-muslin-terrorist!

Whargarblagragraarblgarbl!

The last time the Republican Party was serious was...like the late 1800's, right?

Ever? Anyone? Anyone?

yeah

2009-08-19T23:36:00.000-04:00

so much for that.

Lotto Night

2009-08-19T21:50:00.001-04:00

I had a dream the other night about having the winning lottery numbers. I have used those numbers for the draw tonight.

Here's hoping.

Right...

2009-08-08T12:55:00.003-04:00

"...up there all the time...all he does now....-incoherent muttering-...and I jump up out of bed at 7:30 in the morning to see..."

It's so lovely when I come upstairs to take some more time to myself to avoid being around them. I check my mail to see if I've heard back from any of the places I've applied to. I'll dick around on the Internet and find games to play, or look at obscure news articles about topics that generally don't pertain to any aspect of my life.

Once in a while I may call you. I'll feel happy, hearing your voice and knowing you're happy to hear from me too.

But because I call at night, or sometimes you might call, I'm the villain. I'm "not right", doing things that are "sick" and they "don't understand".

The reason I'm upstairs right now is because I was going to write down some recipes I found and throw away the ugly promotional cards they came on. I was also going to put on shoes. Instead, I'm writing this now because the quote at the top is the kind of bullshit I hear every single time I go upstairs. It doesn't matter if they know I can hear them, they'll just say it to my face and go on about their day, probably asking me five minutes later what I'd like for dinner. As though assaulting me is just part of the everyday experience now.

I come upstairs and they talk about me, as though I'm some rebellious problem child that is violently out of control. And they wonder why I stay up here? If I'm such a fucking problem, maybe I should stay up here, and get out of their hair. If I hate them so much, if I'm so fucking disrespectful, maybe I should just stay up here, away from them, so I can't be hateful, so I can't act like I "don't owe (them) anything at all".

They have yet to see rebellious. They have yet to see violent, angry, and all the things they act like I'm being.

This is goddamn ridiculous.

I wish i could laugh it off, like you do, but I can't. I'm sad that things are like this, because they simply don't accept how I want to do certain things.

Maybe I can leave soon. Hopefully soon.

Oh look...they're talking about how messy I am now...

Yeah...

2009-08-07T20:15:00.002-04:00

"I don't think you care about us...me and Bryan. I don't know what the deal is. You don't listen to what we say...- It's like you do what you want, and your stuff is first priority."

This really is the most damning thing that has been said to me by my family. I do not know why mom insists upon such...complete nonsense. Because I hesitate to listen to her continually complain about dad, and how when I tell her that he does not listen to me (after complaining that I do not help her get the point through his thick skull) I am once again somehow siding with him, and for an added touch of flavor, hate her.

Because I try once in a while to leave the house just to be by myself, exploring the town as though I actually lived here and could have any hopes of enjoying any of it.

Because I do not immediately do chores around the house.

Because I want to talk to whoever the hell I want to talk to.

Because I am no longer a child and can and do make decisions for myself.

Because she cannot get over herself, and if I were to ever say that, she would cry and really believe I hate her.

Because my life has apparently consisted of nothing more than making one "poor choice" after another, despite finding myself to be somewhat happy and enjoying the things I've done for myself.

Because I don't live in fucking bizzaro world and don't know what the fuck she is talking about anymore.

Because I exist, probably.

Bullshit.

It's all bullshit.

Good News

2009-08-06T23:06:00.000-04:00

"you have to be practical about irrational fears, otherwise you are neurotic."

Thanks, Samantha.

Nevermind

2009-08-06T20:08:00.000-04:00

Nevermind. Twitter's alive again.

Gracias por dios!

Twitter Addiction is Real

2009-08-06T20:02:00.001-04:00

I'm addicted to Twitter, apparently. It was attacked by hackers today, and I cannot access my account. Furthermore, my Tweetdeck is all sorts of fucked, so I'm kinda spazzing out right now.

Damn you, Interwebs...damn you...

Word of Advice, (Take As You Will)

2009-07-28T04:47:00.001-04:00

Peanuts.

A Space That Shouldn't Have Been Left Empty

2009-07-25T02:11:00.003-04:00

It's 2:11am right now, and I'm sitting here...well, laying here, in bed, wondering what I should be doing aside from sleeping.

I feel more and more restles. I figure it's the fact that I'm still jobless, and that my efforts to secure a job seem paltry at best. It's probably the fact that I always feel inadequate around you, and no matter how many times you tell me "it's OK" and that I shouldn't, I still will. You say it's because I do not have enough confidence in myself, and that I need to believe in myself or else how can I believe in anything, even you.

Tonight was not a good night. I'm alone, rather than softly muttering into the phone and having to repeat myself and grinning because I know you want to talk to me despite my ways.

I'm stubborn, I'm brash. I'm foolish.

You should know that I do have motivation, that I do put forth effort. I don't believe I have "all the time in the world"...I never have. I simply don't act, and that has caused more problems than good, for myself and for us, for everyone I've ever dealt with it feels like.

But now, here I am, 7 minutes later, still in the dark, still alone, typing on a dirty laptop with a dead fruit-fly staining the corner of my screen. Has this gotten me anywhere? Does typing this out do anything for me? Maybe. All I can see is that when I actually create the words, when I can get them out of my head and on to something more...real...or at least more visible than from within my head, I don't feel as pressured. I don't feel like I'm being so easily crushed into a little ball.

But why should I feel so pressured, like I'm stuck in a compactor with no way out? Am I holding myself down to a lower standard and not allowing myself to achieve something? Am I simply resigning to the notion that there is nothing I can do in this world that makes a difference and I should just give up? I don't think I am, because I probably would have actually said that a million times by now. I doubt I'd bother writing about it, because that would only accentuate the futility of the whole thing. I think.

There's not much to this post. I'm just rambling to empty out my head a bit for other words to eventually take the place of the ones put here. It was time for me to make room I guess.

Looking back on the past few years, especially the college ones, I can find nothing that has struck me as truly fascinating work. I'd like to dabble in music in some form, despite my apparent inability to carry a tune. I want to go around taking photos for my own personal pleasure, but I feel that I do have an eye for visual media. Having no formal training, this would be a tough field for me to enter just yet. I am an English major, and yet I am afraid to write. It's a wonder I can even post anything, but that's probably because there is absolutely NO creative merit to any of them.

The idea of writing, be it scripting or poetry, story-lines or lyrics, scares me. When I used to write, in high-school, that's all I did almost every night before I went to sleep. I would be in bed, with my notebook and a book-light, squinting to see if I was still writing legibly. I could write forever. I once spent a good three hours writing in the dark like this. There was this feeling of accomplishment that came as soon as I finished a piece, but I would also later feel sick. Sick that I would write anything at all resembling what I saw on the paper, hating myself for expressing myself the way I did. It felt dark, it felt so wrong when I would revisit those lines scribbled in the night.

My mood changed as I wrote, and as the writing increased so was my mood affected. I would be glad to have finished writing, but I ultimately felt weak, scared, alone. When I wrote I felt as though the words were branded on my body, with the most hateful and dark of them upon my forehead. Each word weighed me down, but I could not stop. I was suffocating but I had to continue or else feel like I would explode. Either way, I felt like I was losing myself.

Thinking back on all that I have written, I feel sad, almost sorry for myself at that time. I feel that my writing did nothing but torture me, hold me hostage to feelings I did not want to have and force me to think in ways that scared me.

Eventually, the feelings started to dissipate. The urgent need to write started to die down. I really don't know what I can attribute this to, but it was a welcomed relief. It's almost as though I willed myself out of writing, forced myself to write only when absolutely necessary, such as writing an essay for school. This was most easily done during college, when I could really occupy myself between class and sleep.

When I think about sitting down and writing, I can't even come up with an idea of where to begin. I do miss how I used to be able to write endlessly, having new ideas all the time, but I do not miss the fact that my creativity was morbid, that it was destructive and bitter.

That was a fun tangent, wasn't it kids?

I guess I'm just doing all of this to fill a space that shouldn't have been left empty tonight. I'm sorry I don't talk more to you, and that when we do get together, I'm usually quiet. I still freeze up around you, even in the context in which we meet. It's like I'm still shy...-shrugs-

Okay. My mind has emptied itself enough for now. Hopefully Saturday will turn out more positively.

Harry Potter Strikes Again, But Misses

2009-07-16T17:19:00.002-04:00

This was the first of the Harry Potter films I cared to see in theater. I was disappointed.

The quidditch match, good. The special effects, just fine.

The plot...missing. The acting...what acting?

This was some weird kind of transition film, that to me, said "Here's all this random shit. Remember it for the next movie when it will make sense, maybe."

I was bored out of my fucking mind during the movie. Thank GOD ALMIGHTY Dumbledore is dead, because the man playing him was shit. The wizard should not have been such a bumbling, stuttering retard. I was the only person in the crowded theater to cheer when Snape did him in, because at that point in the movie, something finally fucking happened.

And just what in the hell is the Half-Blood Prince? It's Snape? That's good to fucking know. Now, I ask you...what the hell does that mean? He gave himself a fancy title in school to console himself during periods of loneliness and teenage angst? Whoop-dee-fucking-doo. I'm the King of Fanciful Chocolate Farts. Does that title mean anything? Fuck no. Does the Half-Blood Prince mean anything? Given what I've seen, fuck no.

Here's another review. I agree on the part about the kids. Not one fucking child in the theater said a SINGLE word or reacted in any way. Some of them were asleep.

If you hate holding on to money, go see the latest installment of the MOST FORGETTABLE movie of 2009.

-sighs-

2009-06-28T15:33:00.001-04:00

Billy Mays died today, also age 50. That makes four, and Walter Cronkite is not expected to live much longer.

What the fuck.

RIP

2009-06-25T20:31:00.000-04:00

RIP Michael Jackson. 6-25-09

Good Ole G.C.

2009-06-17T13:18:00.001-04:00

Heard back from my latest application.

"After reviewing an overwhelming number of applications, we have decided not to pursue your application further. Thank you for your interest."

Whoopee.

Updates on the Enterprise

2009-06-10T12:12:00.001-04:00

Click the title to follow along with my new business.

It's not a business yet, but it will be, maybe. We'll see.

Hopefully.

-groans-

Huh...

2009-06-10T11:20:00.002-04:00

Here's a sick bit of irony...I think.

The TV station I was trying to apply to is now having major cutbacks in terms of employment numbers, and the HR manager who I went to see the other day about an internship is now fearing her own job is in danger. She's asking my dad for help finding an HR job, because he's a regional HR manager for Lowe's.

So much for being in the news. It seems my plans to start up my own business are probably going to have to be the way I go. This is a bit nerve-racking.

Well...we'll see.

meh

2009-06-07T04:11:00.001-04:00

Something's brewing. I don't know what, but I feel creativity may be just around the corner.

Who knows, could just be indigestion.

update

2009-06-05T10:55:00.002-04:00

today was a fucking waste of time and energy.

i want to go back to sleep.

i was going to an interview today with WBTW (a news station down here), and it was also a tour and explanation of what my internship would be.

it didn't last 10 minutes, and she gave me her card, saying they have all the interns they need until august, but to give her a call mid-july to let her know if i'm still interested.

fuck it. fuck it, fuck it, fuck it.

fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

i knew with every fiber of my being that this would happen, and i'm still fucking pissed off.

fucking hate it here...

now if you'll excuse me, one of the dogs decided to throw up in the garage. fml

-shrugs-

2009-05-07T22:24:00.002-04:00

I don't even know what to write here, but I feel like something should fill this space.

-shrugs-

2009-05-05T14:34:00.004-04:00

what am i doing....what have i done. i'm so sorry...i deserve to hurt so much more than this. why

hate me if you can. it's better than hurting over me. hate me with all you got and just leave me behind. i've never been what you needed and i lead you on with this fantasy of mine. no forgiveness, no sorrow, just hate. hate me.

Finishing Up

2009-04-30T17:49:00.002-04:00

The school year is almost over.

I am a senior, a graduating senior, so this is my last year. This is the last year of waking up early to spend 6 hours sitting on my ass in class not remembering what was told to me not even 5 minutes earlier.

This is the last year of taking midterms, finals...dealing with stupid and stupidly awesome people.

This will be my last year of exploring Winston-Salem, and finding great, unique hole-in-the-wall places to eat and hang out.

I'm excited, nervous, and a little sick feeling. I'm not really scared or depressed... just worried. It's an iffy future out there, but I'm sure something will come up for me. I'm not terribly worried about that, really.

It's been a strange four years...fun, strange, hellish, hilarious...it's been a lot. Thinking back, some people would say that their time here has just flown by. To me, it feels like it's been four years. Some moments feel like they've come and gone much faster than they have, but then other times feel like they have dragged on relentlessly.

There are things I will miss about Wake. There are definitely things I will not miss about Wake. There are most definitely things I wish I could go back and change to make life a hell of a lot easier, but I can't so I'll deal with what I got.

Here's to the Class of 2009. A Class of the Finest.

What a trip

Burning

2009-04-23T13:31:00.002-04:00

Well, apparently South Carolina is on fire, or at least the region where I live. It's moved north, so I'm not terribly worried, but this is a fire that has managed to jump three consecutive highways and continue raging through to Barefoot Landing, a huge (read that as HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE) tourist spot.

2500 people have already been displaced, a couple dozen homes burned down with hundreds more in extreme danger.

This is a fire that is expected to jump the Inter-coastal Waterway and keep right on. This is a fire that will walk across fucking water to continue destroying my new homeland.

What, the, fuck.

More News

2009-04-20T13:02:00.001-04:00

Just heard a bit ago that Stephen Hawking has been rushed to a hospital for emergency care. He's been sick for a while now, but hopefully he'll pull through.

What a sad day that'll be...

But, on a lighter note, I finally got a webcam, so I can hopefully get started on posting some videos here. Would be nice if I could actually find something to talk about and make the video idea work. Oh well.

Update-a-lizzle

2009-04-14T11:14:00.001-04:00

Twitter's goin' fine. I wasn't aware that there are viruses specifically aimed at Twitter people, which was weird. They're easy to get rid of, though, so that's a plus.

I've got class in 45 minutes, and I don't want to go. Super tired.

-shrugs-

Anywhom, I found my staple-less stapler, so I'm planning on using it again after about a year of hiding.

Fun times, this life.

What WAS fun, was this weekend. Got to hang out with my baby and we went to a couple free concerts, which was really fun.

I'm sorry I had to go, baby, but I'll be back soon. I promise.

<3

Confession Time

2009-04-06T17:26:00.003-04:00

Alright...I confess.

I caved in and joined Twitter.

I can't say it's a proud moment, but I do see the potential for greatness as I am "following" news organizations like NY Times. I can get super-fast news, well, super fast.

I have 2 "followers" already, and it hasn't been 24 hours. Granted one of them is a community that is seeking members who are like-mindedly interested in health, science, and technology news, and the other is Books-A-Million trying to get me to buy stuff, but they're still there. "Following" me.

That's actually kinda creepy.

Update

2009-04-05T19:29:00.005-04:00

Here are some photos:

Here's Shannon at the "waterfall" (i.e. the dam)...

Here's the main part of the creek we went walking by...

Here's Wade and Shannon chillin' out...

And...here's me, at the "waterfall" (i.e. dam)...

Hope you enjoyed!

Free Time

2009-04-05T18:48:00.002-04:00

Well, I got to spend the last of my free time at Salem Lake Park, with Wade and Shannon. We didn't walk the whole thing, but it was so pretty out, and still kinda fun. I had a camera on hand so I took some photos, and a couple obscure video clips.

I'll try to get it all posted here soon. This blag could use some color and a change of pace for a bit. So...stay tuned kiddos.

I was in it for the Monies

2009-04-04T14:56:00.001-04:00

Poker was a flop. The whole thing fell apart as soon as it started.

I need to get in on a real poker match with serious people. Damn.

I'm in it for the monies

2009-04-02T13:22:00.003-04:00

There's a poker tournament on campus today at 5pm. $10 buy-in.

The advertising has not been that large, so I'm not expecting a bunch of people there. Hopefully there is just enough for like 3 tables, so me, Nick and Wade can each get at one table. With this plan, one of us is virtually guaranteed a win.

Here's to victory, and the pursuit of a $250 Visa Gift Card.

Nicolas Cage

2009-03-31T18:30:00.001-04:00

Nicolas Cage.

I know, not Nicholas.

I was in a rush.

On Nicholas Cage

2009-03-31T14:25:00.002-04:00

Nicholas Cage is phenomenal. Nicholas Cage is a crazy guy. Nicholas Cage IS Nicholas Cage.

I have to wholeheartedly agree with Roger Ebert and his defense of Nicholas Cage when he says "Cage has two speeds, intense and intenser".

In a time when actors will take roles they could do in their sleep, we have ONE man who will step up to any challenge, and whether or not he succeeds is irrelevant. Nicholas Cage is a hard-working man, and should be applauded for his years upon years of acting.

I mean, for god's sake, people! He starred in "Raising Arizona", "The Weatherman", "Adaptation"!

Granted, when I went in to see "Knowing" I was expecting it to be a virtual repeat of "Next". I had a feeling, however, that this movie could actually be something (mostly because Cage's hair wasn't in insane mode). I was pleasantly surprised by the film, and would gladly watch it again. The plot was of course absurd, but that's what people should come to expect from Mr. Cage. He is here to try and make a plot work, to make the reality he is creating plausible enough for us to believe.

Nicholas Cage is underrated as an actor, despite the enormous amount of films he's been in, whether it's a leading role or just hanging out. He receives a lot of flak for actually trying, which says plenty to me about just how banal and plain the film industry, and contemporary mentality, has become.

In a time when people want immediate satisfaction, and don't want actors to try out roles that may "look bad" for their image, we can only hope that Nicholas Cage continues to make films that push his range as an actor, and make people think. Despite the criticisms, Nicholas Cage continues his work, because he apparently loves what he does. He wants to act, and, by god, he will.

I can only say this: Thank you, Nicholas Cage. You have made me laugh, and think, and appreciate the hard work that acting can be. You're one in a million, and I can only hope there are more like you hidden somewhere, biding their time.

More Death and Carnage

2009-03-17T11:29:00.002-04:00

Turns out that the power cord, the lifeblood of my laptop, decided to die for no good reason last night.

Since I did not purchase the school's $75 insurance plan or whatever, I will have to fork over about $70, depending on which part of the power cord died, if not both parts. Hell, they may charge me more just because.

Apparently I have become Death for tech items.

Back to Work

2009-03-16T14:22:00.002-04:00

Well,

I'm back at school after a week of not doing a whole hell of a lot while also doing a good bit of stuffs.

As mentioned before, my Game Boy died. I'm still not happy about it, but I think I can move on with my life.

I'm not sick anymore, so that's a plus; I'm just suffering from allergy-related issues. Either that or I've got a tumor in my throat the size of a beachball.

-yawns- I finally had my first amazing night of sleep at this school last night, and damn was it great. Sadly I missed out on a chat with a friend of mine, and also a chat with my girl, so that was sad. I'll get to talk to them soon enough though, so hooray to that.

It's raining today, and it's quite nice. I love the light tapping of the rain on pavement, and to hear the trees rustle as droplets bounce from leaf to leaf.

Death of a Dear Friend

2009-03-14T14:09:00.002-04:00

Today, something near and dear to me died.

I came across my old Game Boy after a few years of non-use, and was happy to see Tetris was laying right beside it.

I turned it on, and the faint yellow glow warmed my heart as I watched "Nintendo" scroll down to the middle of the screen, with that classic "ding" it always made.

Sadly, as the Tetris theme song came to play, I noticed the power light dimming, and the screen followed suit. I figured that the batteries, having not been changed in a while, had just given out and everything would be fine in a minute or so when I replaced them.

Alas, this was not so. Despite numerous battery combinations and a dozen attempts, my Game Boy wouldn't revive. I watched my oldest and most trusted gaming system take its last breath as I held it in my hands one last time.

It's probably silly to be saddened by this, or even upset as I am feeling right now, and it most likely is silly and foolish. But this Game Boy, that old grey brick, was my best and only friend for so many years, that it's hard to imagine I ever stopped playing it for a second. I have so many games I actually haven't finished, because I liked to take my time when it comes to playing games.

I'm not going to throw it away. I'm going to do a lot of research when I get back home from a quick shopping run to see if there's any way to revive my Game Boy, or even if I could by some sort of AC adapter and juice it up that way.

I've always loved you, Game Boy. You were a fantastic friend. If only Nintendo could continue making classic, durable products like that.

NCAA Tourney

2009-03-13T21:56:00.002-04:00

Well, congratulations Wake Forest. You got to embarrass yourselves yet again with an unnecessarily weak performance. All season you've done well - you were second-seed for fuck's sake!

I stuck through the whole game, got my hopes up when you tied and started to break ahead, and then you fail.

Why the hell wasn't Chas in the game more? WHY?!

Some season.

Kalimba Time

2009-03-12T21:47:00.001-04:00

I gots me a Kalimba.

It's a thumb piano. I'm trying to learn some tunes, but it's a 7-tine kalimba, which really isn't used often at all. I need to get a real, awesome one, but for now this will do.

Go deacs!

Comatose Blues

2009-03-11T03:25:00.002-04:00

Preface: Sometimes I think I need mental care. Tonight is one of those nights. For some reason the idea for this song is hilarious to me. I will not know why when I wake up tomorrow.

As for the song, use a basic blues riff for two verses and then the more drawn out bit you hear for the "You see, now" part.

There was a little girl,
named Sweet Marie.
Prettiest little thing
that you ever did see.

But I got a problem,
I should not love her.
I am just a poor boy
that she won't ever remember.

You see, now,
My baby's in a coma,
and that just leads to no good.
Now I'm wondering to myself,
Would she really complain if she could?

She's my sleepin' beauty,
my pride and joy.
I wanna tumble with her,
be her bad loverboy.

Is it really true love?
Is this romance best?
Look at her teasin' me there,
her silence screams yes.

You see, now,
My baby's in a coma,
oh what am I supposed to do?
Oh lord have mercy,
but she's one hell of a screw.

I went to see Sweet Marie,
just yesterday,
but the policeman he stopped me,
come to take me away.

How I screamed and I hollered,
lord I really gave 'em hell.
I still loved my baby,
I still rang her southern bell.

You see, now,
My baby was in a coma,
but she knew what I had done.
Sweet Marie my baby,
didn't seem to think it was much fun.

It's cold and it's dark here,
all alone in this joint.
Singing my comatose blues,
gotta drive home the point.

Turns out I was mistaken,
about Sweet Marie.
She wasn't in a coma,
it was her sister Peggy-Lee.

You see, now,
My baby's sister was in a coma,
and I had had too much fun.
Now I'm singing the comatose blues,
in prison for a hundred and one.

Aloha

2009-03-11T03:22:00.006-04:00

Alive and well, and a home to boot.

I cooked mushrooms to have with some pasta tonight. I practiced the art of Umami. I baked shiitake mushrooms to the point that they tasted almost exactly like bacon. It was amazing. AMAZING I SAY!

Anywhom, I'm on the verge of buying a ukulele because I feel I should know how to play at least one instrument successfully before I die, and I might as well make it a miniature guitar.

On another note, I've returned to the World of Warcraft, having created my fourth character. I don't know how I get myself stuck in these situations, really I don't.

-yawns- Sleepy time I think.

SNOW!

2009-03-02T15:32:00.002-05:00

It snowed like crazy last night!

School was canceled for today, but I still have papers to write, oh boy! How wonderful, indeed!

Also! I get to have my Monday night class tomorrow night instead! Joy!

However, last night was fantastic, and well-needed. I shouldn't have gone out as long as I did, but I don't feel any worse than I have been - actually, I feel better.

It was so bright out for it to have been 1am, and it was eerily quiet. My friends and I walked the whole campus, and came to Davis field. We saw a tree break, and were attacked by a group of girls armed to the teeth with snowballs. We quickly built a snowfort and counterattacked. It was a great time, and the fight lasted probably 30 minutes.

All of us stopped to see a group of 12 or so come into our field, so we taunted them into attacking. We fended them off and they actually ran away. It was bloody brilliant.

Afterward, me Nick 'n Wade were leaving the field when a blue-white flash caught us off-guard. I was about to drop to the ground, and the others ducked briefly, and we heard a low, deep boom. A transformer has blown near Faculty Drive. For us to have not seen the actual explosion....damn that was bright.

The snow is still here, and what little has melted will freeze solid tonight. The roads are mostly cleared now, unfortunately, so I don't feel that there will even be a delay tomorrow (unbelievably unfortunately terrible).

Oh well, off to write my papers which I've neglected for two weeks. Hurroo.

On the Road to Recovery

2009-03-01T16:07:00.001-05:00

I lost my voice yesterday, yet had recovered it come late last night.

Today, it is trying to go away again.

The weather outside right now is unbearably bleak. I wish the snow would come and at least make things look pretty.

Naps are such wonderful things; I should try to take more of them.

/hack

2009-02-26T18:25:00.001-05:00

on my deathbed...so co;ld...-hack, cough-

fckn school...dsease hotbed.,

-rolls over-

Decisions...decisions...

2009-02-25T17:42:00.003-05:00

Since early December, I have been growing a beard. I have kept it nicely trimmed, and I felt that it was a good change of pace for me. Hell, I was even complemented a couple of times, which was a shocker.

However, senior class portraits were today and my mom had been hinting at how she would really love to see me clean-shaven again, especially for such an important photo shoot.

So, last night...I shaved the damned thing off. It took me about half an hour to do, because I had to spend about five to six minutes talking myself into it, and the rest of the time I would desperately sigh and bemoan the situation with each swipe of the razor.

At the time I thought I was being a bit dramatic, but when I had finished, and after I had washed my face clean, I looked into the mirror. I honestly did not recognize who it was in the mirror for a moment. That didn't scare me as much as it made me so very sad.

I didn't realize just how attached I had become to...hair. It didn't feel right, not being able to scratch the side of my face and not feel it, or to look in the mirror and see how full it had gotten.

Seeing myself in the mirror, with a naked, misshapen face, I realized that I can no longer sacrifice the things that are important to me. This beard, this growth is a part of who I am - it is what I wanted to help define the new me as I graduated and went off into the world.

I cannot care what people think of my life decisions, and I should not, because they do not have to live with what I do to and for myself. These are the things I must deal with, and the things I must choose.

After today, I am not shaving again. I am moving on from the me that was. Now is the time for the me that will be. I'm moving on and moving up.

Snuggie-time

2009-02-23T23:36:00.002-05:00

Wade has a Snuggie.

I need to get me a Slim Suit.

Another Saturday Night

2009-02-21T17:32:00.002-05:00

Mostly alone, but I'm sure there will be some people around for a board game or two.

Today's the big laundry day, of course. Fun times as always.

Cheers.

6:04 am

2009-02-21T06:04:00.001-05:00

-yawns-

I'm not really feeling tired, though a nice nap would be, well, nice.

I miss you, baby. Please be having fun and taking care of yourself. <3

Friday, I'm in Love

2009-02-20T17:42:00.002-05:00

I'm still in love with the same girl, but it bears repeating.

Love you, Kelly! <3 Have a safe trip to Charleston.

Tonight I guess there are gonna be some board games played, so hopefully it'll be fun. Micheal's going to some religious concert before coming here, so he'll probably be riding off that Holy-High for a while.

If any of you have noticed, each daily post has been reference to a song that bears the name of the week in the title.

Fun times.

Thursday Afternoon

2009-02-19T14:26:00.002-05:00

The weather's picking up a lot. It's near 50 or so, clear sky, real sunny. It makes for a lovely day to go walking, but sadly there's nowhere around campus to go walking.

I would be going to a wine-tasting tonight, but I don't have the money. I had considered lying my way in, saying I donated to the last event the school held for Seniors. It could work, as I doubt they keep strict records of who donated what, and people do make mistakes...

Yesterday, I had to write a thank-you letter to this woman who had donated to a scholarship that specifically went to me. Thinking back on it now, I feel a little guilty for having to feign sincerity and show gratitude for something that I don't exactly know how it helped me.

It's great to see that people are donating to scholarships to help students, but...since I don't pay the bills, it doesn't directly affect me in that sense. I guess I need to work on this idea of "perspective", and realize that things don't have to directly affect me to be appreciated. So, uh...thanks again, Mrs. Long.

So, does anyone have anything fun to share about their experience(s) today? Anyone? Anyone?

Wednesday Morning, 3 A.M.

2009-02-18T14:29:00.002-05:00

I was up talking to Jen around this time. I was probably up til about 5am, given I don't have a class until 1pm on Wednesdays.

I really enjoyed getting to talk to her in depth, and just getting a feel for how her mind works. We haven't really had a real conversation in a while, so this was refreshing. I hope we get to talk more like that soon, but probably about happier, more user-friendly subjects.

She is planning on doing a bit of soul-searching this weekend, so I hope that goes well. It's something I've considered doing for a while, just to refocus myself again. I really do hope you find what you're looking for, and the answers to your troubles become clear as day.

If anyone is interested, please thoroughly explore this site. It is the most poorly designed piece of shit I've ever seen, and we spent a good half-hour or so ripping it apart. It's brilliantly bad.

I'm looking out the window from this classroom, and I think it's going to be raining again any minute. We were supposed to have a thunderstorm, but I think it got downgraded to just showers. Either way, I have to bike back to my room in it.

Love you, NC weather.

Tuesday's Gone Again (almost)

2009-02-17T14:12:00.002-05:00

It's a real pretty day out, for it to be in the mid-40s.

I'm stealing from Buni and posting this awesome game I (she) found.

Unlike her, I know how to make links clickable.

Here is said link.

If you have headphones, plug 'em in and enjoy.

Awaaaaaaaaayyyy.....!

One More Ditty

2009-02-16T16:35:00.003-05:00

To anyone who reads this, or cares, or either, I apologize for not announcing sooner Buni's departure from my realm.

Unfortunately, her blog actually has followers, and people who talk to her, so in a jealous rage I removed her. She understands, though, and there are no hard feelings.

Well...part of that story is true. She does has followers who talk to her, and I do not. I did not remove her in a fit of jealous rage, however. I merely booted her to see if the "About Me" thing would finally fix, and it did. We decided that it's fine if she's no longer a contributor, though, because she didn't do much work around here anyway. Love ya, Buni, even if you are a slacking, WoW-addicted ho.

Monday, Monday

2009-02-16T16:13:00.004-05:00

This week seems like it'll be alright. There isn't that much of a workload to deal with, and everyone here seems to be a lot calmer than in the past few weeks.

This campus seems to carry quite a bit of tension in the air, despite being so pretty.

Speaking of things in the air, I got to enjoy a little oddity today, if only briefly. Snow. It's in the 40's out today, and blue skies all around, except for the one gigantic blackening cloud resting above the entire campus.

I was biking to class when I felt something hit me in the forehead. It hit me again, and then I noticed something melting on my sunglasses. It was hard for me to believe this was actually snow, but these minuscule pellets of freeze were coming down, little by little.

There wasn't nearly enough for it to make a damned bit of difference here, but just to see nature trying to bring a little joy to this place was, well...neat.

The temps tonight are supposed to be in the lower 20's, so maybe more winter weather is on the way. I've personally never trusted a groundhog for my weather reports, but sometimes they prove better than the average weatherman.

New Beginnings

2009-02-16T01:14:00.001-05:00

Alrighty.

New face for my little slice of heaven.

This means a new beginning for how things are done here.

I'll try to post relevant, entertaining things. I'll try to have posts that are more personal and in-depth, that may actually be readable.

We'll see how this goes. For now, I'm optimistic.

Crises

2009-02-16T00:43:00.001-05:00

Not really, but I feel misplaced given that I don't have any crises to deal with.

I'm confused by this whole, "calm" thing.

mrgl

2009-02-14T05:38:00.001-05:00

Buni says mreh.

Baby

2009-02-14T05:00:00.001-05:00

I'll be with you soon.

I'm behind you 100% always. You're the world to me.

Don't let the world get too rough for you. You can handle it for sure.

I love you.

<3

BOB's Performance

2009-02-11T22:51:00.001-05:00

It's a great day in America when you can sell a book expounding the "miracle" of church donations. Granted, he suffered a LOT, but to say that Jesus alone forced the people who helped him to do so is ludicrous. After two and a half years of recovery time, I would also personally expect to have my body show some signs of healing, but to everyone else it's solely by Divine Guidance™ that the human body can repair itself.

I'm so glad that farce is over.

Why the hell I went to this thing to begin with is beyond me.

It's like I have some kind of self-abuse complex.

Recovery Plan

2009-02-11T13:18:00.003-05:00

My personal recovery plan seems to be more effective than the government's.

Oooo, sick burn.

At any rate, my strict regimen of sleeping 12 hours a night and eating spicy soups seems to have finally paid off. I only have the mildest case of the sniffles on this wonderfully warm day. I was able to use my scooter again (FINALLY), and fortunately so. I think it's going to rain later today.

I hope it's just a light rain, real misty and fun looking.

Coughing, hacking, sneezing, achey, etc. etc.

2009-02-08T17:52:00.001-05:00

Sick.

The conference was alright.

Sick, though.

Sicky sick sick.

-coughs-

Aha...pt. 1

2009-02-03T03:11:00.001-05:00

I've got an "Aha! Moment" article to write.

I'm probably gonna post it when I do, just to fill some space here.

Glad you're back, baby.

Superbowl Goodness?

2009-02-01T23:11:00.002-05:00

Nope.

The game was a sham for the most part; the refs ruined the game at the end.

-shrugs-

I miss you, baby.

Baby

2009-02-01T00:35:00.001-05:00

I misses you!

Post-Game Realization

2009-01-29T11:33:00.000-05:00

Wake Forest beat Duke.

Wake Forest, former #1 because of a highly unfair and bullshit game against VT...

...beat Duke, the NOW former #1 team.

We beat Duke, yet again. No team in the nation is undefeated, but Wake Forest has clearly shown it's the best in the nation.

Fuck you AP Polls for constantly trying to piss on our parade all the time; fuck you ACC refs, you're the worst in the whole damn country. Try being objective for once and make fair calls you worthless sacks of...of...something or other.

friday, Friday, FRIDAY

2009-01-29T02:09:00.002-05:00

This Friday is a very important date.

Most importantly, The Tonight Show with David Letterman is broadcasting an interview with Bill Hicks mother, Mary Hicks. Along with this, the show is FINALLY broadcasting Hicks' last ever, final television performance, and the 12th performance for the Letterman Show specifically.

Around October of 1993, Hicks gave this performance on the Letterman Show, greeted with applause and positive feedback from everyone around. Two hours later in his hotel, he received a phone call from producers saying his entire act was cut from the show due to "unsuitable material". He was the first comedian to ever be censored by the CBS studios.

The performance consisted of material that Hicks was most proud of, and was his favorite set to perform on the circuit. The Letterman Show was the only television program he wished to perform on, as he was a friend and fan of David Letterman. This was a truly devastating blow to him.

Four months later, Hicks died on February 26, 1994 of pancreatic cancer at the age of 32.

15 years later, David Letterman and the CBS studios are finally doing the right thing and airing this supposed "unsuitable" performance in its entirety. It has never been seen by anyone except for Hicks' mother, who owns the sole copy in existence. The master tapes were destroyed shortly after the set, and one copy was set aside for her; it was given to her after her son's death I believe. Bill Hicks himself never got to see the performance he was most proud of.

If you are a fan of the truth, and really wish to know the last great comedian of our time, please tune in this Friday. Tivo it, DVR it. Hell, copy it on VHS.

If you think I'm overreacting to the importance of this man...four days after his death, Carrot Top won the American Comedy Award.

Motherfucking Carrot Top. The American public is nothing but a herd of ignorant fucking sheep.

Writing A Lot

2009-01-28T13:21:00.002-05:00

I'm in that other journalism course now, after lots of wheeling and dealing.

I've got a lot of writing to do for this semester.

Carpal Tunnel, here I come!

F'in A

2009-01-26T22:19:00.000-05:00

Apparently I don't have enough credit hours to get my journalism minor.

I just found out tonight, basically when it's pretty much too late to fix that problem.

Fuck you too, Wake.

Happy Birthday

2009-01-23T03:49:00.001-05:00

Happy Birthday, Kelly.

I love you so much.

You always make me smile, even when I don't want to. I can't thank you enough for the happiness that you've brought me, and I want you to know that I will never let you hurt, never let you feel sad about anything again. You deserve the world, and I'll be damned if anyone stops me from giving you just that.

Have a great birthday, baby. Please feel better and keep warm. Don't party too hard.

<3

Birthday Today

2009-01-22T10:01:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday Buni, you old hag.

...

2009-01-21T01:50:00.000-05:00

How quickly forget I'm the only one reading any of this.

Rick Warren

2009-01-21T01:44:00.002-05:00

is a blathering scumbag; hypocritical in every sense and does not deserve to be allowed to speak in public.

With one hand, he raises his "humanitarian" efforts of supporting AIDS research and the likes, while with the other he comes down hard upon the heads of gays, lesbians, and anyone "different" from what he likes, slandering all of us while asking us to donate to his "cause".

Don't listen to him and his lies. He is a snake oil salesman, a sleaze, pure dirt.

His presence alone almost made the Inauguration, and the prospect of a hopeful future, pointless. I fortunately skipped out on his invocation early in the day, but just recently heard his god-touting prayer.

I'm so glad to see that Separation of Church and State matters so much to this country. Thank the good Lord Almighty for our freedoms and liberties to justly serve this country, and to be justly served by this country.

damnit

Speechy

2009-01-20T14:29:00.003-05:00

Well, it was a good Inauguration speech. Concise, eloquent, and easy to understand.

His imagery was vast, and his meaning was clear. This doesn't immediately mean that Obama won't suck as a president; he very well could be absolutely terrible at the job. He could also be the best thing that ever happened to the planet, I don't know.

I just hope something good comes out of these next 4-8 years.

We need it.

Inauguration Day

2009-01-20T12:43:00.002-05:00

In class, watching the Inauguration online.

First, it was Hulu - now, we're on MSNBC. All have lagged, all have had the audio mis-synced.

I was on the BBC, but failed to bring it up to the Prof., which is fine because the site eventually booted me for not being British enough. I hate that damned restriction.

Anywhom, we're missing yet another religious benediction, so that's fine with me.

I don't know what Rick Warren spoke of, so I'm in a good mood.

Class is on, back later.

Snow

2009-01-19T02:33:00.001-05:00

where is it?

what a ride

2009-01-18T03:35:00.002-05:00

Just finished watching 88 Minutes and Bangkok Dangerous back-to-back. My mind has been blown. So much silly hair. So much silly hair...

I've always liked Nicholas Cage; he's just a crazy guy who does really, really strange movies. Al Pacino's always good, too, but lately he's been picking bombs to star in.

-sighs- Kelly's birthday is coming real soon, and I can't do anything for her; some hell of a boyfriend I keep turning out to be. I hope she gets to go out and have some fun - she was thinking of going out with some friends to party a bit...I just hope she keeps safe, but still has some fun. I miss her a lot, and it really bugs me that I'm stuck here at school. She'll be 20. She deserves so much that I can't give her, and dios only knows why she sticks with me.

I love you, baby. I really do hope you have a fantastic birthday when it comes up, and I promise I'll make it up to you. You make my life so bright, and I feel like the world is a kinder place when I get to be with you. Your smile is so warm and inviting, and your giggling is infectious. I could stare into your eyes for hours, but the only reason I look away is because I feel bad, that I don't deserve that opportunity. I've done nothing for you, but you still love me. I swear to you I'll do right, and you'll never have to worry about anything again.

You are the love of my life, Kelly. You are my everything, and my inspiration. I hate sounding cliche, but that's the best I can do right now. I am so happy to be with you, and to know that you love me. You're the greatest gift I could ever have received, and I want to make you feel like you got something decent out of this relationship too =P.

I know it's early, and I'll post again when the time is right, but I want to make sure I wish you a happy birthday, Kelly. You are so special to me.

Love you <3 <3 <3

What do you think?

2009-01-16T02:56:00.001-05:00

It's all a lie.

The Man is watching.

I know you're listening.

<_<

>_>

Techno-tronic

2009-01-15T22:05:00.001-05:00

Not much ado right now...upstairs watching Nick on his synth.

I shouldn't be surprised at his creativity, but I'm mostly just surprised that anyone can understand the goddamn machine well enough to make music.

Wade's been a no-show all day; we think he's been sleeping all day. That's generally the case.

I miss you.

Sleep

2009-01-15T01:45:00.002-05:00

I think I've finally developed poor sleep patterns, which is really bad given school just started back up.

I just don't ever feel like I need to go to sleep until it's around 4am, and that's just no good.

Sometimes my mind wanders while I lay awake in my bed; trees...I tend to see trees when I drift away.

Looking at my left arm, I notice I have an unusual amount of hair that stands up. It's not like there's static in the air, it's just the hair grows up. It's really strange to see with only the glow of the monitor. The hairs seem so long and weird like this, when in daylight they're probably not even visible.

The laptop's coming along; I'm getting most everything finally organized. I have to finish writing this report for a bid at a conference I'm going to soon. Don't wanna finish it, but what can I do?

Wade has a hookah. The current flavor is honey. It smells absolutely fantastic, and doesn't taste bad either, though I only took one hit. He was experimenting with keeping the smoke away from the alarms tonight, and from what I can tell, he succeeded. Most of the suite smells of honey, and the alarms didn't sound. I just hope he's not pushing his luck too far. It really does smell fantastic, though.

Oh well, off to dream-land now.

Hello World, again

2009-01-14T16:55:00.002-05:00

Well,

This is just a briefy, but here goes:

Laptop's back and working again.

Classes have started.

Even old, starting to go stale Dr. Pepper tastes fantastic. Warm even.

That is all.

Dane Cook

2009-01-05T02:40:00.001-05:00

is a complete fucktard.

Why does he exist? That should be proof enough there is no God, for him to be a top-billing "comedian". It makes no sense. He's never been funny, and never will be.

What a dick.

Minor Crisis

2009-01-04T03:50:00.004-05:00

Every now and then I get this feeling in my gut like I've done something horribly wrong.

It's strange especially when I look back on the day and realize my largest accomplishment was actually getting completely dressed.

Sometimes, though, I begin to think about religion, when I get this feeling. Just a few minutes ago, imagery of the Christian Cross, and other relics of that sect began to flash through my mind. I really don't know if it's me feeling bad for leaving behind that way of life, or if I'm feeling bad for ever having been a part of it. It's so hard to tell, that I honestly don't know if there's a way to determine that.

Do I call it a "crisis of faith" if I have no faith, but am thinking about it? I guess now is as good a time as any to recap my religious life:

I was brought up Episcopalian, the American version of the Anglican faith. Catholic Light. We would go every (or almost every) Sunday to St. Andrews Episcopal Church in Greensboro, NC. Week in, week out, the same routine to the point that I memorized half the verses we went over. Sometimes I'll find myself trying to recall them, though now I only get fragments..."forgive us for our trespasses and those who have trespassed against us...thy kingdom come, thy will be done, forever and ever, amen". While those incantations are now vague, I sharply remember sitting in the pews, looking around when I could at all the people, and how over-dressed they were. I also recall the overwhelming raping of my nostrils from Chanel No. 5, Brut, and every other perfume in existance that managed to find its way into the church. I can still feel my lips move along, sometimes quite vocally, other times silently in imitation, to those verses and songs. I never understood why we sat and listened to a man, sometimes a woman, give a lecture on good deeds or anything that happened to strike their fancy, or how that pertained to Jesus. Thinking back...I realize that during sermons, Jesus never really came up that often. I mean, sure, we'd say "through Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior" and all that, but, the sermons I can't recall ever specifically dealt with him. It was always about how one of the "Apostles said best" about some experience the speaker had, which is impressive given the 2000 year difference. The Christmas services were nice; the church bell would ring as people prepared for the beginning of the service, and the bell would ring at the end...very beautiful. I can still hear it today. There was this one time, while I was looking at people as they prayed because I finished my little prayer early, and I noticed a woman form the shape of the Cross in front of her. I imitated her, on impulse more than anything, but as I was half-way done, my mom reached over and stopped me...just kind of, swatted my hand away. I never questioned her action, or why what I was doing was wrong, but that particular Sunday sticks with me. The lady had black hair, about shoulder length. I think she had on a black top.

Shortly after my grandaddy died, we (mom, dad, and I) took in my grandmother, where we cared for her as best we could. Mom's side of the family still seems to resent us for wanting to take care of her, and actually having an interest in seeing her happy. I'll never get over that, but that's for another night when I can't sleep. We tried taking her to church at the beginning, but her legs gradually got weaker, and we finally stopped going to church just because it was convenient for all of us. After my grandmother died, we didn't return to church - dad was too busy working every day of the week, and mom had her job too.

During this time of no church, I began to explore my feelings, and question my own faith. I began to see and feel that Christianity didn't suit me as well as it did others. I didn't understand why so many people were so crazy about it. It seemed too stuck, too routine, and just chaotic. It was during this time that I was sitting in World History in high-school, and my teacher, Mr. Kell I believe, covered India that day. In particular, we were covering the religions, and especially Buddhism. Reading the textbook, I was drawn in and cannot recall any of the class after that point, because I was finding every bit of text about Buddhism within that book. I was absorbed and enchanted, thrilled to find something that spoke out to me in a clear, practical manner. There was no martyr to celebrate, no church needed to be a True Believer. All I had to do was obey five simple precepts that were so blatantly obvious to me, I felt like I had found a new home. It felt right; it felt so good to have a reason in my life again. I never denounced Christianity during this time, I just said to myself that I would try Buddhism out, see how this peaceful mindset would work for me. I still remember those days clearly, and I appreciate all they taught me. I learned to explore deeper within myself, and search for what I truly believed. I made it a purpose to never leave any doubt unchecked. I felt so free, released from the bonds of "do good and go to Heaven; do bad and go to Hell". There was simply "do good, see good, live good". The charm of Buddhism has never really left me. While I don't accept the notion that I should worship Buddha or any of the Bodhi's, the guidelines for happy living are still important to me. There is no threat of retribution attached to them, as with every other religion.

For a time, somewhere between high school and around last year, I decided to dabble in more Occultish stuff. I never went as far as to hold a seance, or accept Satan as my new-found lord and savior, but I played with Tarot and simple stuff. I enjoyed the idea of taking nature in for its beauty, but the idea of worship still bothered me. While fanciful, I can't accept that lifestyle.

I find myself today appreciating nature, and loving the earth for the big, beautiful, blue and green thing it is. It's truly amazing, huge, and just intense as hell. I love the sunrise, and I adore the sunset. The stars are so inspiring, and the moon is always enchanting. I find myself appreciating science, and technology, and the endeavors of man towards a total understanding of life. Today, I find myself at times questioning whether I do believe what I feel, and at times loving where I'm at. It's a feeling some people will never shake, and I guess I'm one of them. I can only take these opportunities and make sure to bolster my position, and prove why I feel the way I do.

Growing up, I was a child - young, hopeful, brought up to believe what my parents did so I'd turn out to be a good, proper man one day.

Today, I'm a man with a love for English literature;I am a writer, a thinker, a pain in the ass, a lover, and...free.

I am an atheist. I am an Atheist. The only God is the one we create for ourselves, and I do not need any God or god to justify my life. I am free from dogma, and I love life. I do not wage a "War on Christmas", and I do not want to destroy America's children. I want the freedom to admit who I am, and to believe what I want without being hounded by people who want to "save my soul".

-shrugs-

Happy New Year

2009-01-03T02:06:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year.

3 days late.

Happy Year of Science, too! We've got Darwin and his publication of The Origin of Species, along with the 400th anniversary of Galileo and his awesomeness.

That's all for now.

things

2008-12-28T23:21:00.002-05:00

steamers, swedish fish, wood, doro dango, vacuums.

These are a few of the things that have been my only entertainment for the past couple of days.

Is that just depressing as hell or what?

Something new

2008-12-26T22:11:00.001-05:00

so I finally got around to putting a new blog of my own up.

http://bunicanwrite.blogspot.com/

It's a mess and a whole lot of emo (currently, thanks fuckers) but it'll get better... maybe >.>

Bigger Update than I Like

2008-12-26T01:56:00.002-05:00

I'm cramming in info from the past couple of days instead of my usually daily chunk, so I apologize.

Yesterday: Did the whole Christmas Eve service with the family. Not really my choice, but at least we did something together. It was...different...especially for an Episcopal church. Given it's name was the Episcopal Church of the Ressurection, I guess you have to be a little more imaginative. Sadly, I took of the body and blood of baby jesus. I tried not to, but that wine was fiercely strong and forced me to swallow it all down. Very grape-y, yes, but unbelievably strong.

Today: Christmas morn'. Argyle socks (very happy about those), a hat with LED lights for night riding, a beautiful pocket knife (though Kelly's is much much more cherished and wanted), a diploma frame, some shirts, and cookware stuffs. In all, it's a pretty decent haul and dinner wasn't bad either. Nice big ham on the grill, collard greens, sweet potato casserole, and lots of corn-bread.

ALSO:

After about two or so hours of hunting, I finally tracked down the Christmas special of Doctor Who. My god, it was fantastic. It was on par with all the other episodes. However, there was no transition of Doctor(s). No regeneration. It was a really simple and very sweet story, nonetheless. I'm still terribly sad that David Tennant is leaving his role as the Doctor, because I don't think any man can do better. He is THE BEST Doctor the series has ever had, and it will be very unfortunate to see him go. The remaining four or so Specials that will run through 2009 will be very much cherished, and I will steal all of them as they come.

Ta' for now.

Damn viruses...virii?

2008-12-22T14:44:00.002-05:00

My laptop's infected.

I've been working on it for two days or so, and it's currently undergoing a very, very thorough scan finally.

I hope it'll get rid of the stuff. It's part of the trojan.vundo family, and has apparently already replicated itself a number of times, so every time I use the laptop it tells me of 200 more instances in which it was found. Hooray.

I hate bad Internet users.

Fleet Foxes

2008-12-20T01:42:00.004-05:00

I've recently gotten my hands on Fleet Foxes' self-titled 2008 release.

It is absolutely brilliant in every regard.

"Tiger Mountain Peasant Song" is especially haunting, and the whole album just calls back to the 1960's when there was so much heart and love in music.

I can see why so many people and magazines have claimed this album to be in the top 50 of 2008, even top 10. I've seen a few place them at #1, with TV on the Radio's "Dear Science" album at #2. I'd say this is about right. I've never personally heard anything so...good in such a long time. It's so natural, and enjoyable. The whole album is so peaceful, it's unnerving. I really hope Fleet Foxes is here to stay. I'm picking up the LP as soon as I can for my collection.

Honestly, I don't care how you get a copy yourself, but do. You won't regret it. Seriously.

Thanks

2008-12-18T22:47:00.001-05:00

I'll be sending a photo myself here soon. I'll probably post it here and everywhere soon.

Why not?

Happy Monkey!

2008-12-18T22:44:00.000-05:00

Happy Monkey, everyone!

Spread the good cheer.