Now

I am still restless. My eyes hurt, and my head is swimming, and my body is begging me to try and sleep...but I just can't.

My mom's aunt...which I guess makes her my great aunt...died Sunday morning. After being in the hospital for two weeks, after being put there by negligent staff at physical therapy. They let her fall. That is NOT supposed to happen, and if anything, they should be sued to the point that the facility has to fucking shut down.

She was perfectly healthy and was trying to build up muscle strength in one foot.

Read that again.

One foot. Just a little weak and was beginning to drag a little, so she went to build it back up in strength. And now she's fucking dead. That is beyond appalling.

The funeral is Wednesday, and I am a pallbearer. I've never done this before, and I don't know if I will again.

I'm nervous as hell. I'm upset at a lot of my family (not parents for once). My mind is just swimming.

Now, here I am. Without you, awake. I need to drink myself out of this week.

Right...

Did that last post seem typical and emo-y of me?

Probably.

Am I going to keep that post to remind myself yet again of things that need doing?

Yes.

Is there anything else I have to say on the subject right now?

No.

Is that unusual?

No.

Why am I still asking questions?

No clue, but I don't seem capable of stopping.

Will I stop now?

Sure.

Long Times Again

It's another restless night where I don't know what it is I need to say, or should say. Anything would do at this point, but nothing comes out, as usual. I want to talk to you, and I do to an extent. Still, even then my words feel so empty and routine.

It's the same old story, though. The same lines, the same pattern, the same go-around that we always do and it ends the same way: me sorry and you irritated because I've yet again done nothing to change things for the better.

You're dozing off now, looking quite content. You said you were tired, and you flopped over on the bed so that it looked like the weight of the whole day had come down with you. I can't stop watching you, wishing so much to hold you again, to kiss you and tell you I love you as we both happily drifted asleep.

I can say these things, sure, but it's just flattery and adoration, things I always throw your way. But why can't I go on about other things, keep our talks lively and...I don't know, be here the way you need.

But now, here we are, these long times again being spent in silence, only adding tension. Only taking away from our time.