Apologies

I wanted you guys to know that I am sorry for all but exploding emo last night. Not that I'm much better at the current but I guess we'll see how much worse it can get.

I'm fighting down the urge to go throw up everything I've eaten in the past week, main thing is that someone is sure to notice and I really don't want to explain everything to the people I live with (how pathetic is that?).

Am going to go fail at sleep.

Ciao.

Once Again I fail

I never seem to screw up small things, but when its something v. potentially damaging/deadly/expensive as hell, count on me to fuck it up. *sigh*

Anyone know how to get $2,300 before Wednesday? Didn't think so natch.

Suppose it's time to call on my Dad and see how easily he can tell me to go to hell. (I see it being very easy for him)

Ngh, need to get to bed so I can drag my ass to work in a few hours but really, all I feel like doing is curling up in the corner and crying... not that the lump of flesh that I call my boyfriend would notice. Comes home at 945 and just says "Going to bed". HMPH! I swear, I spend more time with the cat than him now-a-days.

Let's All B+

Got me blood donor card today; turns out I'm B+.

I can receive a good number of blood types, but can only give for two. I guess that means I'm kinda in the middle. Hooray average.

Winding Down

Well, the school year is almost done...

I got my paper turned in, somehow, and I got a C on it, somehow.

It's Friday, so that's always nice. I was hoping to go out for wings tonight, but I think some others were considering hitting up a Japanese Steak House, which is fine with me, but just a little more expensive than I was planning on. It's still going out and having fun, so it'll make for a good Friday evening.

I'm not sure how to feel about the close of this year; some of my friends won't be coming back. They somehow have managed to graduate early, with another friend graduating in December. It's kind of sad to think that some of my friends won't be around anymore, but hopefully we'll keep in touch.

Hopefully the summer will bring on fun times and wonderful experiences.

As for the videos I was talk about making earlier, they're going slowly...very, very slowly. I've got one, but my camera pretty much died afterwards, so the whole process is being postponed. It'll help when I buy a decent headset so people can actually hear me, and also when I find a video-editing program that will actually let me edit.

Have a good weekend.

Hi! I exist!

Wow, I know I udderly (lulz) like abandoned this place. (Sorry Hitek! T_T ) Not that much has been going on. I've been working my ass off pretty much. Moved a few times as well.

Shite, I had this long ass post in my mind but I got distracted and couldn't find the connector cord for the camera so I can upload pictures of ugly shoes.

I think I'll make this all for now and try again tomorrow (if I don't get caught breaking the law).

Ciao! <3

Burn-Out

I think I finally burned out.

I really can't handle it anymore here.

I've already just now turned in a late paper that doesn't meet the minimum requirements, which is something I NEVER do.

I just don't do that.

I've always been so damned good at getting things done and turned in, even at the last minute...but not tonight. Something's wrong...something has BEEN wrong for about a month now. I've been in some funk, and I just can't function right.

I don't know when I've felt this disappointed in myself; I can't afford to fuck up now, especially right at the end of the year like this. I'm possibly failing math, and if I fail this English class, and my Journalism class, then I've no fucking chance at graduating next year.

None.

Zilch.

Zip.

Fucking Nada.

What a load of "pride and joy" I am for my family, eh?

Expounding on Expelled

Well...I saw that so-called 'movie' "Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed".

That was a total waste of $6.50, and some guy that was in the same screening with us thought I was a fellow creationist. I really had to fight to keep from making a scene in public.

He was being sincere in his friendship, I guess, but I was still insulted with being related to his ilk.

I don't really know what to say about the 'documentary' except that it's one of the most poorly constructed pieces of garbage to ever hit the big screen.

Afterwards, me 'n a friend decided on doing a 'double-feature', where we simply walked into the opposing screening room and watched the midnight viewing of "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", which, despite my great fears given the trailers, was not half-bad and actually memorable. Apparently the same crew who did "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story", or whatever it's called, did this movie too. It was funny, though not my favorite movie by far.

I was disappointed that so few people turned out for Mr. Stein's movie; I wanted to get more opinions about what was thrown at us, but oh well.

Video Blogging

Video Blogging is an issue I'm still kinda conflicted with. I don't know how to feel about them, really. I can see their benefit, if properly done. I do appreciate a good video podcast...

But in the wrong hands, you get Chris Crocker and the likes. It's a waste of time, and pointless bullshit that doesn't do anything for anyone. It's self-indulgence at an even higher degree than regular blogging.

I'm considering making a video or two, just to see how it goes, and if it's worth it. If not, I'll leave it behind and be done. If I like it, then, well...hopefully it'll have some substance to it.

Expelled in My Town!

I'm planning on going to see Ben Stein's "Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed" tonight! Apparently the admission is free for those who get there by 7:30 (so I'm thinking a campus group is hosting it). I'm going to be printing up mini-fliers with Expelled-busting information from Scientific American, and anywhere else I can find juicy facts.

I'm hoping to get a group together to hand out these things directly after the movie, and possibly lob jeers at Mr. Stein every time we see him on the screen.

Now, don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed watching "Win Ben Stein's Money", but, his pro-ID(iocy) stint has really lowered my respect for the man.

Oh me, oh my, I might get 'expelled' myself tonight! I can't wait!

Reflections

I reflect on a lot of things, and quite often too. I can't really say that anything significant, or life-altering has come from this, but it's a habit that I've never really broken. I tend to dwell on the negative, almost to the point where it seems like my day isn't complete if I don't do that.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other night, about some of my feelings about myself, and the world around me. I came to realize that some of the things I expressed sounded quite like the things an existentialist might say. In class today, we were going over Walt Whitman's "Song of Myself"; there was a passage that really struck me as familiar, which is what reminded me of the other night.

Whitman discusses the "Me myself" as he puts it. There seems to be a distinction between body & soul, and body & mind in his writing, which, I somehow understand. The only problem is, I feel a connection to this writing, yet I cannot put it into words just how powerful this understanding is. I literally have no way of expressing this conscious connection that I have, which is one of the biggest problems I feel that I face in my life.

I so desperately want to bring out into the open, this side of myself, this unspoken, unseen consciousness, because I know that is where my true thoughts come from. I've never felt comfortable in my own skin, as a human being. I see this flesh, this mass in the mirror and I feel sick at times, thinking that this is how I come across, how people perceive me and I see just how hindered my soul / mind is, because it is not reflected at all through my body. My actions are not as strong and as meaningful as they should be, because these actions have been performed by others throughout time. The words I speak have been spoken, were created far before the times of my earliest recorded ancestors, and yet as timeless as these words are, they do not express fully what I feel, what I think and see.

In this world, this realm of existence, there is the "me". You see me, I see me, and I see you. We are all just manifestations of our consciousness; a physicality brought about by, and used with our thoughts. In this world, our bodies do not accurately portray our thoughts and real, inner selves, however. This desire to be seen for what we really are can be witnessed in movies, such as where more evil, sinister characters have some grotesque feature about them, while braver, heroic people can exhibit a kind of beauty.

In this existence, brave people are not always beautiful, and the most evil certainly aren't always ugly. This "Me myself" that's been acknowledged by Whitman and countless others, is in my opinion what makes us individuals. This self is what makes us feel that we are our own unique person. We cannot readily portray this in the physical realm, because there are so many limitations. Art, Music, and literature all strive so hard to express this deeper, internal aspect of our being, yet cannot seem to completely bring it out.

The "Me myself" is a separate being from our physical bodies. Some may see it as their "third eye"; others may feel that when you find this, you have reached Enlightenment, that you have discovered your own consciousness in the eternal stream of collective conscious. Some call it your soul, others say spirits. We all know this aspect exists, but nobody can ever seem to fully grasp it, or at least give it a physical, more attainable form. It may very will be impossible to do, but my life has been so heavily influenced by the need to find a way to give a physical nature to this self. I have to know what it is that really makes me, me. I want to fully incorporate this self into my present existence, and show all who I really am, what I am fully capable of being.

It hurts to think that you can be hindered by your body in trying to achieve something that no physical form seems able to conquer. I may just be rambling now, but I know that this is just an unpolished idea that many people have wrestled with before, and I wish I could find a solution before it's too late.

This is why I actually took up Astral Projection. It's a fascinating idea, but one I haven't been able to master yet. It sounds like the greatest way for me to find my inner me, as I detach from the physical realm and can freely explore the otherness. My answer may be lying out there, in this other realm, and I just can't get to it yet. I've heard that all things come in good time, but I tend to be impatient when it comes to finding the answer to my existence.

I don't know...things could be a lot simpler than I'm making them, but then again I may not even be scratching the surface. Either way, here's a fun video to make up for this utterly confusing post.

Rainy Days are Here Again

It's raining...

Not enough really to need an umbrella; it's actually just the right amount where you kinda want to stay outside and enjoy how it feels. It's not often I get to feel that...

The cold makes each drop even more noticeable, and that much more enjoyable. They fell on my face as I was headed to work, gently, as though they were playfully challenging me. Light pokes, almost happy to be falling from the skies; it's weird to give a feeling, an emotion to rain, but it felt good.

The clouds were not heavy like they had been for the majority of the day. Small streaks of the evening's orange hue accentuated just how intimidatingly vast and boring these gray, rolling clouds were.

I wish I had more time to just sit outside in the rain, and just relax. This kind of weather is absolutely perfect in my mind, and I really do wish there was more time....just a little more.

Here's another video for those who want a mood booster.

The Digital Cuttlefish

This person is quite brilliant.

http://digitalcuttlefish.blogspot.com/2008/03/i-thought-i-saw-atheist.html

For Your Information

I'm an atheist, goddammit...

There. I finally said it.

I may want to reconsider this statement in the morning, but as of right now, fuck it.

a-t-h-e-i-s-t.

Deal.

And How We Danced...

...in the mud. Tonight's Shag on the Mag was alright, entertaining as always, but with one minor exception. The rain we'd gotten all day, and for a good part of yesterday, had thoroughly soaked the ground, even what was beneath the tent, so that we were all pretty much drudging about in mud. Fortunately, my shoes wiped clean and a quick visit to the laundry cleaned my pants right up. It's only 4:30 am anywhow...

For some reason, I just can't seem to get fully into these events; there's always something that just kills the mood for me and I can't get into a fun-place anymore. I feel like my date could have had more fun with someone else, but I'm sure anyone who hangs around me could have more fun being around someone else. I really wish I could simply do more to try and make things much more enjoyable for everyone, but it's this nagging feeling of isolation that never goes away, hence the nagging bit.

I didn't know any of her friends...hell...I still don't know HER all that well, and she's graduating early and going away, so...so much for whatever was there to begin with. They (her friends) seem like nice enough people, but there's just something that doesn't exactly click, and I still feel like an outsider, even though they know me by name.

This whole week has really just been miserable, and I guess I was still in a funk today, even with the prospect of partying. The mud sure as hell didn't help.

I told myself when creating this blog that I wouldn't just post bitchings left and right, but...well...it's my blog so if I need to just talk for the sake of talking, then I'm doing that.

I don't really have anything important, or relevant, or special to say, but sometimes it's just good to write whatever comes to mind. Mine has been racing non-stop this week, even more than usual, to the point where I feel like if I somehow stop thinking so much, I'm just going to have a massive headache from exhaustion.

When it's not my mind shifting constantly about about, I'm feeling lonely, like there's some void that can't be filled, and will never be filled.

I dunno...maybe this will help.

**As it turns out, I fell asleep before posting this, but I guess I'll post anyway.

Complaint # 14,782

This school is run by bureaucratic shitiots (yes that's a term!) who can't tell their elbow from their ass.

Every year the screw me over in some way at registration time, but NOW they're risking my graduation. I'm not letting them do that. Sadly, I have to get my family to help, since they're the ones with the money. It kills me that I can do nothing unless I were to hold $40,000 to their face and say "fix it".

I failed my stats test today, meaning I'm probably going to fail yet another math course. There's a rumor that the Registrar can just cancel the requirement, and if true, I'm hitting that up. If it's not, then I'm probably not going to graduate regardless of earlier circumstances.

My roommate is a seedy, self-absorbed, un-deservingly arrogant asswipe who has just been given too much in his life and needs a serious fucking reality check. For the first time ever I actually felt threatened by this twat, despite his being a twig. Sure, he's in ROTC and knows like 5 moves that can kill me, but I have the elements on my side -- I own a fold-up chair that's quite light. I'm actually going to see about getting a single to get away from him for the remaining 5 weeks of school. I canNOT handle being around him anymore.

Today sucks.

Today really, really sucks.

Maybe this will help.