I reflect on a lot of things, and quite often too. I can't really say that anything significant, or life-altering has come from this, but it's a habit that I've never really broken. I tend to dwell on the negative, almost to the point where it seems like my day isn't complete if I don't do that.
I was talking to a friend of mine the other night, about some of my feelings about myself, and the world around me. I came to realize that some of the things I expressed sounded quite like the things an existentialist might say. In class today, we were going over Walt Whitman's "Song of Myself"; there was a passage that really struck me as familiar, which is what reminded me of the other night.
Whitman discusses the "Me myself" as he puts it. There seems to be a distinction between body & soul, and body & mind in his writing, which, I somehow understand. The only problem is, I feel a connection to this writing, yet I cannot put it into words just how powerful this understanding is. I literally have no way of expressing this conscious connection that I have, which is one of the biggest problems I feel that I face in my life.
I so desperately want to bring out into the open, this side of myself, this unspoken, unseen consciousness, because I know that is where my true thoughts come from. I've never felt comfortable in my own skin, as a human being. I see this flesh, this mass in the mirror and I feel sick at times, thinking that this is how I come across, how people perceive me and I see just how hindered my soul / mind is, because it is not reflected at all through my body. My actions are not as strong and as meaningful as they should be, because these actions have been performed by others throughout time. The words I speak have been spoken, were created far before the times of my earliest recorded ancestors, and yet as timeless as these words are, they do not express fully what I feel, what I think and see.
In this world, this realm of existence, there is the "me". You see me, I see me, and I see you. We are all just manifestations of our consciousness; a physicality brought about by, and used with our thoughts. In this world, our bodies do not accurately portray our thoughts and real, inner selves, however. This desire to be seen for what we really are can be witnessed in movies, such as where more evil, sinister characters have some grotesque feature about them, while braver, heroic people can exhibit a kind of beauty.
In this existence, brave people are not always beautiful, and the most evil certainly aren't always ugly. This "Me myself" that's been acknowledged by Whitman and countless others, is in my opinion what makes us individuals. This self is what makes us feel that we are our own unique person. We cannot readily portray this in the physical realm, because there are so many limitations. Art, Music, and literature all strive so hard to express this deeper, internal aspect of our being, yet cannot seem to completely bring it out.
The "Me myself" is a separate being from our physical bodies. Some may see it as their "third eye"; others may feel that when you find this, you have reached Enlightenment, that you have discovered your own consciousness in the eternal stream of collective conscious. Some call it your soul, others say spirits. We all know this aspect exists, but nobody can ever seem to fully grasp it, or at least give it a physical, more attainable form. It may very will be impossible to do, but my life has been so heavily influenced by the need to find a way to give a physical nature to this self. I have to know what it is that really makes me, me. I want to fully incorporate this self into my present existence, and show all who I really am, what I am fully capable of being.
It hurts to think that you can be hindered by your body in trying to achieve something that no physical form seems able to conquer. I may just be rambling now, but I know that this is just an unpolished idea that many people have wrestled with before, and I wish I could find a solution before it's too late.
This is why I actually took up Astral Projection. It's a fascinating idea, but one I haven't been able to master yet. It sounds like the greatest way for me to find my inner me, as I detach from the physical realm and can freely explore the otherness. My answer may be lying out there, in this other realm, and I just can't get to it yet. I've heard that all things come in good time, but I tend to be impatient when it comes to finding the answer to my existence.
I don't know...things could be a lot simpler than I'm making them, but then again I may not even be scratching the surface. Either way, here's a fun video to make up for this utterly confusing post.